*sneaks sheepishly back in*

I swore I wouldn’t be like those other fair weather bloggers. I’d stick to this and post as much as possible and be a champion for myself and everyone out there struggling and look what I did.. A month and a half!! O_O I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome myself back.. I don’t know where I’ve been! I started majorly backsliding and was so embarrassed that I took the opportunity to jump ship. Since this was a blog for me (and woo hoo if other people read it too) I suppose in essence I was hiding from myself.

I got to my low weight of 338 and started putting the weight back on, just a little bit at a time until I’m now at 345. I know it’s only 7 pounds but dangit I fought really hard for those and I didn’t want them back! I’m in crisis recovery mode at this point; I want to stem the flow before it gets out of control and I can quickly see it’s heading that way.

I can’t tell you precisely what caused the derailment; I’m sure just little things here and there that got me off track. You know how it goes, it’s the occasional coffee or frosty or candy bar and then its seconds and fried foods and “I’ve already screwed up the day, may as well eat it” attitude. I haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks, I’m carpooling with my mother and her schedule is so hectic and my health has been up and down for the past month or so.. I’m hoping to have my license by mid June though so as soon as I have it I’m dragging my own butt to the gym!!

The question is though, what can I do in the meantime until I can get back there? I stare at my treadmill and never get on it because walking on it is uncomfortable.. Because of my fat inner thighs the width of the treadmill seems really narrow and I keep stepping off to the side and almost tripping.. Grrr.. Plus I can get about 10 minutes before I’m totally winded... 10 minutes is crap! I could walk all the way around my apartment complex (it’s a ½ mile) but by the time I get home I never really think about it.. Or I’m just too tired.. Or I’m afraid I won’t make it. Where’s my motivation? Where’s my resolve even when I’m not motivated? It seems to have wandered away from me at the moment.

I’m trying to plug back in effective today.. I wrote down my food for today and will enter it into fitday.com tonight and I’m posting here today in the hopes that I’ll accept my own apology and promise to never leave me again and offer big hugs to myself! I guess this means I have to figure out some sort of exercise, huh. :P

A Tale of Shopping..

I went on a minor clothes shopping spree this weekend. All of my clothes have been hanging on me and I was tired of swimming around in them so I budgeted some money out and off I went! I thought I would share the experience, some good, some bad, but always entertaining, right? :)

When I moved back to Spokane from Anchorage in September of last year I bought a bunch of clothes because I had nothing really to wear. I bought 5x shirts and 32w pants and everything was a little roomy and comfy but the smaller size down just didn’t look flattering and/or didn’t fit at all. With the recent weight loss and with a good look at my clothing I noticed I wore everything really large. People have been pointing out of the last couple of weeks that my clothes were too big (I’ve been asked to create a box to get rid off that stuff too and NEVER WEAR IT AGAIN, lol) so I decided to finally do something about it!

I first went to Catherine’s. For those of you who don’t know it’s a plus size store that carries from 1x-6x and although they may have a few trendier pieces they primarily cater to the larger size professional and older woman. The only reason I shopped there in the first place is because the only other store in town that had clothes that fit shut down. (That would be the Avenue, I loved that place!)

The service was horrible! There were probably 4-5 associates in the store and we were the ONLY customers. Not only did we not get greeted, no one asked us if we needed help or directed us to a dressing room, didn’t help us when we got to the dressing room, and didn’t ask us if we needed anything as we came out. When the lady at the counter asked who helped us I looked her directly in the eye and said, “Absolutely no one.” I think she was a little taken aback by it but I wasn’t rude, just factual. I managed to find three shirts, one in a 3x and two in 2x’s. The only reason I bought the 2x is because it’s cut in a triangle like shape so they are very wide at the hem. I think I’m at kind of an in between phase since the 3x’s seem tight but the 4x’s are very loose. If I could get rid of that stupid fat between my breast and my hips (the middle tier on my cake-like torseo) everything would look so much better! Anyone have any exercises tips for that spot??

We then left and went over to Lane Bryant. I worked there briefly in high school and for years I’ve been too big to shop there so I really didn’t have my hopes too far up. Imagine my surprise when I put on a size 26 linen pants (bought them of course!) and a 26/28 top.. Yay! I had to buy both, they were amazing. I even bought a red satin bra although I think I bought it in a bigger cup size than I actually am as my boobs seem to float around in them. ^_^

After that fun experience we went to Fashion Bug and tried on a ton of shirts. What I found was I could wear the 26/28 (not the 30/32s, yay!) but a lot of them were too short. I have a very long torso and hangy belly and I refuse to wear anything that has that mound of flesh hanging out. I found one shirt that looked fantastic and bought it. While I was checking out I eyed another shirt on the hold rack. I checked to see if they had it in the store in my size but the only one they had was the one on hold! I begged them to let me try the one on hold on just to see if it fit and I’d try to find it somewhere else. They were kind enough to let me try it and it looked so cute on me that I asked when they were taking it back off of hold. It was Saturday and they told me it would go off of hold Monday if the person that asked for it didn’t come pick it up. I called first thing Monday morning and lo and behold, the person didn’t come get it! I went and got it after work that same day, yay!

So I’ve found out I’ve lost 4 pants sizes and almost two shirt sizes! I bought 6 shirts, one pair of pants, and one bra for about $150. (I’ve decided to only buy clearance as I’m losing weight so I don’t spend too much) It was a good shopping trip! ^_^

A whole new world

Oh man, I haven’t been doing well at keeping this updated, have I? I don’t know what it is, the routine got old and I can’t seem to settle back in to it properly. It may have been just being sick and getting totally off of my goals and I’m trying really hard to rein myself back in but so far haven’t succeeded well enough yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing horrible! I’m still losing or maintaining for the most part and I’m not over huddled in the corner shoving brownies into my mouth or anything but mmmmm brownies sound great just about now. ^_^ I find that if I don’t keep a hard eye on everything things seem to creep back in slowly but surely. Coffee in the mornings, the occasional soda, ‘just a few’ chocolates, bigger portion sizes, etc. They just sneak back in when I let my guard down!

I don’t want to stress about it though, the whole deal for me is about changing my habits and lifestyle and getting more active. I don’t have to have boiled chicken and bland vegetables and a rigid exercise schedule every day in order for me to be happy. As long as I go to aerobics 3-4 times a week, I’m happy. As long as I turn down sweets and fattening foods 99% of the time, I’m happy. If I limit my sodas to once a week or the occasional coffee, I’m happy. I want to be happy with the occasional indulgences to the dark side. J

One slice of pizza, not a whole pie, that kind of thing. I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to beat myself up because I had a piece of chocolate or decided to leave the cheese ON my sandwich instead of abstaining. It’s a whole new world!

Current Weight:338/Pounds Lost: 3.5

I don't know how I did it, with being sick and not exercising and comfort fooding I happened to lose the weight I'd gained plus 1/2 a pound! Yay!! I might do some shopping this weekend for some shirts that fit, everything is starting to swim on me... I start exercising again Monday too, I'm going to do this! :)

Someone pass me a Kleenex.. *collapse*

Oh man, having a sinus infection is NOT fun. I was sick all last week and managed to drag myself to work every day and continued to work through my haze of fever and congestion. I went out drinking with my friends (and my dad oddly enough) on Friday night and WHAM, Saturday morning I woke up and felt like someone had punched me in the face around my eye and cheek bone. For a second there I wondered what went on Friday night but I wasn't THAT drunk.. Drunk enough for a $65 bar tab but not drunk enough to remember what I did or didn't do!! ^_^

I managed to suffer through the weekend but by Monday morning I'd barely slept and was alternating hot and cold packs over my face and pretty heavy pain killers. I finally decided to have an emergency visit to the doctor's office and ended up with a pretty major decongestant and high dose antibiotics.. I stayed home Monday and Tuesday and if I hadn't have been out of sick days I would have probably been out yesterday too! I'm finally feeling better but my face is still very very painful, I can barely touch it and when I do (I can't help touching it, really I can't!) it makes it all throb and pain again. The downside to all the sickness is A) it hasn't affected my appetite and B) I've been too sick to go work out!

Fortunately though I weigh in tomorrow and my peeks on the scale look promising so even though I've been sick and eating comfort food and haven't been able to work out I may still see some results. I'm pretty proud that even with the comfort foods I'm still making healthier choices and trying to watch my portion amounts.

Speaking of, I went to the buffet last night with my mom and 8 year old brother and realized how different my attitude towards the food and the experience were from dinners past. Normally I would have tried to fill 3-4 plates of whatever looked yummiest and then waited a bit and had a few mixed desserts just to 'try' everything and chase it down with sodas and chocolate milk until I was so full you'd have to roll me out of there. Last night I had a good sized salad with a very very light coating of ranch dressing, a small spoonful of macaroni & cheese (just to taste it!), two bites of potato salad, and a buttery roll. My second plate involved ONE spoonful of mashed potatoes with a little bit of gravy and a second roll. Dessert was a few bites of maple nut cake and a few bites of ice cream and I stuck with water. All and all not a bad meal! I tried what I wanted and satisfied myself with just a few bites and moved on from there.. It gives me hope that my attitudes are changing! I'll be posting tomorrow with the latest numbers, see y'all on the flip side. ^_^

Current Weight: 341.5/Pounds Lost: -1.5 (missed post)

Okay okay so I'm doing two posts today and one tomorrow to make up for my lack of posting! I was so bummed by another weight gain that I couldn't bring myself to post it.. I know it's only 3 pounds but this is the first time I've actually gone up in this journey rather than hold steady or decline and I was completely bummed.. I didn't fall of the wagon entirely but wasn't really living up to my own expectations either. This was last week's weigh in, 04/06/2007.

Current Weight: 340/Pounds Lost: -1.5

Well, it happened. I knew that the liklihood of either holding steady or losing every time I weighed in was unrealistic but there was a part of me that just thought that the pounds would just slide slide slide away. The rational part of me knows that I was less than stellar (although not too bad) on the diet front and I did work out three times this week (so could have gained some muscle) and that weight normally fluctuates 1-3 pounds so really a 1.5 weight gain shouldn't be a big deal. I'm actually not too upset about it, although I am a sad sad panda. I'm a little disappointed as I know I really could have done better but as I've been told "If you're always looking behind you, your past becomes your future". In otherwords, I'm not going to stress out about it and I look forward to getting back on track for my next weigh-in.

I also plan on writing a little more in the blog. I've noticed I've been a little lax lately and it really does help to write down what I'm thinking and feeling and what strikes me as funny/tragic needs to be shared! My brother's in town from Portland, OR and we're all headed to a bar tonight, going to try my best to only have a couple of drinks and then I'll be headed home. I'll try to post tomorrow about how it goes.

I've also taken up jewelry making. Okay well to be honest I've bought glass beads and all sorts of accessories and I've been READING about making jewelry. I am going to make one for my mom first and I'll post a picture when I get it done. I'm hoping one day to be good enough to maybe sell some of my work but that depends on how my work turns out. ^_^

Current Weight: 338.5, Pounds Lost: 2

Sorry it took so long to update! I needed a mental health day and decided to take Friday off of work. The downside? My scale is in the office for the Biggest Loser competition so I couldn't weigh in. I had to delay until today and woo hoo! Another two pounds! I had a total NSV (non scale victory) this weekend too so I just have to talk about it. I went to Target a couple of weeks ago and they were having this big clearance sale and for several years I've been too big to actually fit anything at Target (or Shopko) except for the dreaded stretch pants so I've not bothered to really look at the plus size clothing section. I decided since I was there I may as well try to find some goal clothing so I ended up finding a 22/24 size velvet fitted jacket and pair of 26w pants. When I tried the jeans on in the dressing room I could easily place a hand or more in between the sides of the zipper so I thought it would be a great goal to aspire to and since they were 50% off (only $15) I bought them and took them home. The velvet fitted jacket was only $3! It was way way too small but totally worth the price. Last weekend I tried the jeans on and I could barely get them peeled over my hips, even if the jeans were on the stretchy side. Yesterday I did my weekly try on and guess what... The jeans fit! Okay so they were skin tight but they fit they fit! *happy dance* I wore them all day even though they were a little bit uncomfortable just to prove I could. I started this journey in a 32w pants and now I'm in a stretchy 26w? Now I need to go back to the store for a stretchy 24w. ^_^ Man, I love shopping.

How I'm Redefining “Full”

Pre-lifestyle change I made and consumed a lot of food. I always made two sandwiches or burgers, always filled my plate to overflowing, insisted on having the super/biggie/upsized drink & fries, went back for seconds/thirds/fourths and generally ate until I was overly and sickeningly full. I didn’t gorge on huge amounts of food all of the time but there were times more often than not that I’d buy a package of Italian dry salami, a loaf of French bread, and a bottle of spray cheese and consume the entire thing in the course of a few hours. I knew I was full when my stomach was distended and my eyes had glazed over and the thought of one more bite would make me nauseous. It was the only way I recognized that I was satiated, that I didn’t need any more food. I’d completely lost touch with how my body worked.

I’m noticing more and more often these days that if I pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me I easily eat half to ¾’s of what I would normally consume. It’s like I’m finally waking up. When I don’t overfill my stomach there’s no run for dear life to the nearest restroom and no feelings of guilt and pain. That’s not to say that I still don’t eat too much or have those “uh oh & run” moments but they are starting to be more abnormal than the daily routine. I eat so well during the day that my nights had always been a free for all, consuming whatever came my way as soon as I could possibly get it to my lips and I still find it very hard not to add one more burger to the grill or pull out four pieces of bread or find the biggest bowl I own so I can load up on that night’s feast.

Why did/do I overeat like that? Why do I have the desire to still do it? It takes everything I have not to gorge on huge amounts of food. I enjoy food; I’m not going to lie. I love the taste. Really, that’s the biggest motivating factors for me, one of the main reasons I continue to eat and eat and eat. The taste of food is intoxicating. It flashes to the pleasure centers of my brain and makes me just want to keep consuming and consuming to prolong the sensation and for some reason it’s really hard to put the food down and be willing to throw it away.

It’s like getting a really good massage.. You’re 45 minutes in to it and you realize that all the knots and tension are gone and you feel really good and satisfied. You paid for an hour though, so do you stop the massage because you’ve gotten what you needed or do you keep going and get your full hour in and then feel guilty later because you didn’t need that extra 15 minutes? I think that’s the best way to explain what’s going on in my brain. I recognize when I’m full now, I’m just reluctant to give up what’s making me feel so good. Friday night I had to toss what was left of my chili into the sink and pour soap on top of it because I was still eating it when I was full!

I have a feeling this is going to be one of my biggest battles on my journey, breaking the cycle of bad eating behaviors for good and taking the time to listen to what my body really truly needs. Not wants. NEEDS.

Current Weight: 340.5, Pounds Lost: 6

O_O


That's all I could do this morning, stare at the scale in wide buggy eyed wonder.. 6 whole pounds?! Two days ago I cried into my cereal and today I'm 6 pounds down! Only one more pound and I'm completely out of the 40's.. Its crazy! I can't stop smiling. After a couple of really small weight loss weigh-ins I was afraid I was just maintaining or going to lose a pound a week (which isn't bad, I'd take that in a heartbeat). This time I'm doing the happy dance where everyone can see it! :)



.....


A friend of mine gave me the saying in the picture below. I've put it on my desk and on my fridge at home and I keep repeating it to myself throughout the day. I have a feeling it will be my new mantra! Don't exchange what you want most for what you want at the moment. Binging on food may be what I want at the time but it won't give me what I want most, to be healthy and slim and enjoying life to the fullest extent possible. I'm going to do my best to imprint that into my heart and mind and soul so that I never forget it!

Dieting is like being Bipolar.

I mean, think about it. The definition of bipolar is below (an excerpt taken from medicinenet.com):



Bipolar Disorder: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.
Both phases of the disease are deleterious. Mania affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment. Depression can also affect thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause grave problems.



I understand the mania of being on a diet. It affects my rational thinking. What sane person would binge and binge on food until their stomach hurt and then stand in front of the refrigerator looking for more? Who would order an extra large pizza with four drinks so the pizza dude didn’t think I was eating it alone and then eat three quarters of it? I limit my social situations when I know I won’t be able to control the behavior (ie. Going to a bar or out to a restaurant) and I’m so highly judgmental of every little fault when it comes to my lifestyle change. Some days I feel like I’m at the bottom of a slip and slide facing up a huge hill and I have no idea how I’m going to get to the top.

Last night I burst into tears after eating a huge bowl of cereal, the same bowl of cereal that I had been obsessing about eating for three solid hours. I lamented over the three peanut butter cookies I had after lunch and wailed about having to miss my workout. In short, I blew a major fuse. I honestly think the combination of stress and disappointment just kind of caught up with me last night and I bottomed out into a huge bowl of cranberry almond cereal.

This morning? I weighed in and lost three pounds from when I weighed in last.. Of course it isn’t official until tomorrow but I was totally ecstatic. I’m glad the scale is in a break room because I instantly broke into the happy danced and danced a few circles of joy around the room. I practically skipped back to my desk, my faith in my lifestyle choices renewed and my brain and heart eager to continue my hunt towards wellness.




It then occurred to me that this journey was really like being on a roller coaster.. Sometimes you’re climbing slowly and anticipating the ride ahead, sometimes you’re rushing full speed ahead clinging to your seat while laughing hysterically and sometimes you’re so scared you can’t even bear to move or breathe. I just have to keep in mind that although this ride never ends at some point on the track the hills and valleys will be less and the fear will subside and I’ll end up on an entirely different ride altogether, the one that involves living my life to it’s fullest potential.

I almost committed a felony

Okay it wasn't a felony. It wasn't even a misdemeanor, however I'm pretty sure it would have been classified as shoplifting. All I know is that this morning I was minding my own business in the cafeteria at work, adding some sliced almonds and raisins to my bowl of oatmeal, when I looked up and I saw... it. An old fashioned glazed donut sitting amongst the rather mundane bakery items spread out like a lady in a dirty magazine and giving me come hither eyes like I was the only woman alive. I instantly began to salivate and my gut told me that I had to have it and I had to have it NOW.

For one brief moment I thought, "I could just take that. No one would even know. They would think I'd already bought it and I could just take it to my desk and eat it and no one would be the wiser". I even looked to see if the lady working the register was looking my way to see if she'd try to stop me if I grabbed it and bolted.

Logically I knew I couldn't actually buy the donut (I had money in my hands if I needed it) because the cashier knows I'm a diabetic (so is she) and she knows I'm also in the Biggest Loser competition at work so I wasn't supposed to have those kind of foods. There was NO WAY I was going to actually purchase that donut and humiliate myself by showing my weakness so instead I pondered snatching it into my grubby fingers and hightailing to my desk so I could shove it in my mouth in two bites or less to get rid of the evidence.

I quickly backed away from the counter, clutched my bowl of oatmeal to my chest, and got the hell out of there..I'm much too pretty for prison.

Current weigh: 346.5/Weight Lost: 0

Okay so I didn't lose any weight this week and I've been slacking on the blog.. That's okay though, it's been a busy week! I flew to Seattle on Friday for work and had a photo shoot (nope, can't talk about why or anything, lol) and had to wear my workout clothes.. Sheesh, they were totally baggy on me but it's all I had and they only told me Thursday what I needed for Friday! The shirt was so baggy that they ended up having to clip it behind me... This first pic is before they clipped me, the second is after.. These were test shots to check lighting.. I think I need to do something with my hair! O_o




I honestly don't know if I'm losing any inches because I have difficulty measuring myself or if I'm just realizing that I've been wearing big clothes in order to hide myself. I guess time will tell! I honestly feel good and my back has improved greatly and I can stand for an hour plus at a time (at the photo shoot) and not worry that I won't be able to stand. That's a wonderful thing! I guess the Aerosmith line that says, "Life's a journey, not a destination" is totally right. I should enjoy each day as it comes and each success as it happens. So there wasn't any weight loss this week, that's okay! I cheated all weekend (although I did decline to make it worse than it already was by eating lots of bread and alcohol and etc.) but didn't gain any weight so I call that a win-win situation! Onwards to tomorrow!

One For All and All For One!

The comments from yesterday's post got me thinking, am I really too hard on myself? Is it okay to fail just a little bit and still be okay? I guess I really do have an all or nothing mentality, especially when it came to quitting smoking (six weeks today!). I knew that if I cheated just a little bit pretty soon I'd be back outside with the smokers puffin' away and I didn't want that to happen!

I've decided I'm going to relax a little bit and not be so critical when things go wrong, life happens and I just need to learn to deal with it and get over it. It would also help if I posted when I was feeling good, not just when I did something wrong. Today I'm in a great mood, doing well, worked out last night at water aerobics and had a blast and a little stiff today but not too bad..

It's true, I'm terrified I'll fail at this and not stick to it, that the fat is here for good and I'll never get married or find a life partner & have kids and live a good active life like I desperately want to. The strange part is that I'm usually the kind of girl who once I put my mind to it I get what I want.. I have all sorts of semi-expensive toys to prove it too! I quit smoking, got financially secure, moved to Alaska, moved BACK from Alaska, etc. I will do anything to get what I want and make myself happy so I should apply 100% of that to my weight loss as well. This will probably be the slowest payoff ever.. hee hee

I promise from this day forward to take a more positive attitude and tout my accomplishments and not my shortcomings as much! Thank you ladies, that was just the kick in the butt I needed. :) I'll try to post every day too, it really helps me organize my thoughts and work on my game plan at the same time.

I'm a dirty rotten cheater.

I cheat on my diet. There, I said it, I cheat okay, I'm a cheater! I'm sitting here at my desk staring at 1/2 a package of a Cacao Reserve bar from Hershey's (FYI soooo good!!) and realizing I really don't know when the transition happened, when I woke up one day and decided that it was okay to cheat on myself and my efforts to get healthy and slim down.

I mean really, I don't shoplift. I have never ever cheated on a test or homework. I won't even take extra cash if I accidentally receive more from a cashier than I'm supposed to but for some reason I seem to think that it's okay to constantly cheat on the rules I've set forward on my diet? Why is that? I'm just not sure.

Saturday's water aerobics was horrible. I don't think I can go to that class anymore. When I go during the week I feel challenged, I get sweaty and feel like I'm burning fat and genuinely enjoy myself and the instructors are fantastic. The young skinny thing on Saturdays though, Jesus. Who does she think she's teaching? We're all a bunch of old/fat/pregnant people and she's leaping out of the water like a fish while we do pike jumps to all four walls. Seriously, she just made me feel like I was fat and couldn't keep up. It was horrible.

To top it all off I didn't eat anything, at all, the entire day long because I was low on groceries and had company and couldn't feed all of us. I thought about getting pizza but after pizzafest last weekend I couldn't bring myself to do it. I finally went grocery shopping that night and ended up eating at 8:30pm and consuming two 20 oz sodas, two turkey burgers and an entire can of chili. My stomach hurt sooo bad after that. :( Oh and two fudgesicles. You heard me right, fudgesicles again. I had one more of those on Sunday and another 20 oz soda.

So what is it? I would never sabotage anyone else, I have to much respect and kindness to sabotage any one's diet or happiness. So why don't I respect my own rules? *sigh* I suppose I'm going to have to figure that out before I stop all of the self sabotage, huh.

Current Weight: 346.5/Pounds Lost: 1

Yay!! *dances a little booty shaking jig*



You have nooooo idea how excited I am just by that little dang 'ole pound. Whew! So why am I so excited about this? And why are my co-workers staring at me while I shake my ass in my cubicle? I was so sure, so absolutely positive, that I would step up onto that scale and every pound I've worked so hard for would be right back where it was before.. It's been such an up and down week, mostly with the lack of motivation and not eating well and not sleeping well.. So a pound is a pound and it's goin' down! :) Hey I calculated it, if I lose one pound a week until the end of the year I will lose 42 pounds! If I actually stick to plan and can lose 2 pounds a week I'll have lost 84 pounds and be midway into my twoderland instead of threedersville! O_O

The venting I had yesterday has helped a lot, I finally sat down with a piece of paper and outlined the issues I wanted to work on (ie. getting to bed by 10:30pm and eating without cheating, making sure I test my blood sugar, etc) and printed out a nice big list.. Now I just need somewhere to hang it! I plan on measuring myself tonight (I should have done it before I started working out dangit) so I can track my progress in FitDay as well since the downloaded program has that ability. I'm back to being excited, and that's a great thing.



I have water aerobics tonight (and did it last night) and hopefully tomorrow morning too. :) If my carpool agrees to drop me off at the Y every night instead of home I'll start going 4-5 days a week, this is exactly what I need! I find myself really craving the exercise and the time in the pool and the sweating, all of it. Yay!

I’m having issues with motivation.

When I first started this blog (and this diet) I was so excited, so optimistic. I was just sure that I’d be overflowing with energy and losing pound after pound while I moved and grooved my way to success and so I’m perplexed as to why, only a couple of weeks later, I’m so.. blah.. About everything.

I had a horrible food weekend and I’ve been making so-so choices all of this week and I’ve been seeing the scale move steadily upwards since Monday and it’s starting to freak me out! There’s this panic building inside of me that’s telling me that this is just a fluke, that I only dropped the weight by accident and in a couple of weeks it’ll be right back where it wants to be, stuck to my hips and ass. I did go to water aerobics Monday but didn’t do anything Tuesday. I was supposed to go to water aerobics last night but it was my mom’s birthday and she begged out so she could go out to eat and since she’s my ride I wasn’t able to get there. I did do a ½ hour stretching video but again ignored the hated treadmill. I did manage to guilt her in to going to the Y tonight and tomorrow so I can go to the 5:30 water aerobics class. I’ll be SO glad when I get my driver’s license. (Oh yeah, I don’t have it yet, that’s a whole other issue I won’t get in to now. LOL.. Deadline for that is May 1st though!)

I think part of the problem is that I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. I’ve been staying up late talking to friends on the phone (1-2am) and getting up at the last possible second every morning before leaving for work and I’m freaking exhausted! I have all these plans to do good thing but the energy factor is lacking greatly. So what do I do? I know logically I should get to bed early but my best friend (and the guy I talk to at night) works in the evening and after 10pm is the only time I can actually chat with him or her. Do I give that up?

You know, now that I look at that I can clearly see that it’s exactly what I need to do. I’m so worried about making sure that those relationships stays close that I’m sacrificing my own well being and potentially sabotaging myself in the process! No more! I’m putting my foot down and no more calls after 10pm. I want to be in bed between 10-10:30 and up at 6am, no excuses! Of course better said than done.. I can reach my alarm from my bed and can smack the snooze repeatedly.. I don’t really have anywhere else to put the alarm clock unless I move my entire side table across the room. Huh, once again I answered my own question.. hee hee.

I think I just needed to vent to clear my head a little bit, I’m going to go grab a piece of paper and write a few ideas down on how to improve my situation a little bit. I watched that Oprah episode about “The Secret” and I’m going to change to some positive thought! I AM losing weight, I AM getting healthy, I AM exercising, I AM doing this! Whew, being positive is tiring.. Zzzzzzzzzz...

Current Weight: 347.5/Pounds Lost Since Last Week: 7.5

I had to delay my weigh in until Monday as my scale is still at work and I didn't come in to the office on Friday due to pretty bad back pain.. :( I think (no, I know) I overdid it at water aerobics on Wednesday last week and by the time I woke up Friday morning my back was killing me! On the plus side it only hurt to sit or lay down so I cleaned my house most of Friday since standing seemed to relieve some of the pressure. I was so surprised to see such a huge weight loss (7.5 lbs, woo hoo!!) after the weekend I had.. Let me tell you, I didn't just fall off the wagon, I put a plastic cap and a bathing suit on and pinched my nose shut and dived off head first!

It all started with Weight Watchers Fudge Bars. *shakes fist* I've been really REALLY good about avoiding temptation lately and if I don't purchase the item it doesn't make it past the protesting lips and into my willing belly. The other day however my mother and I stopped at the store and there they were.. the low cal fudge bars that taste amazing. They taste like a chocolate malt, does anyone remember those? You could get them at groceries store or from the ice cream man and they came in a little paper cup with a wooden spoon and they were totally the bees knees man, I loved them. I took one look and decided I needed to have them. No problem, right? I mean, I could have one a day and it could be my little treat after a good work out. I can handle that.. right? Right? .....Hello?

Cue in me, with my addictive personality. That's right, I admit it! I just quit a 15 year smoking habit (five weeks tomorrow, yay!) and I'm fully willing to admit that I'm totally addicted to binge eating as well. Only by myself though, you won't see me shovelling food in with both hands when anyone else is around! I really try not to do it but I just can't seem to help myself. I take one look at the food I love and start shovelling as fast as my hands will let me until I feel bloated and full and the guilt... oh the guilt. I hate when I do it but I just can't seem to help myself sometimes.

I did really good on Wednesday. I only had one fudge bar. Ditto for Thursday. I was doing well! Friday I called in sick and had a fudge bar for breakfast. Lunch rolls around and I have another. My brother comes over to keep me company and I figure "what the hell" and order pizza along with TWO 20 oz sodas. They weren't root beer so technically I didn't cheat on my Lent promise! (rolls eyes). I managed to pack away four large slices and begged my brother to take the rest home so I wouldn't eat the rest of the pizza. (He did) I then managed to have another fudge bar for dessert. Saturday my sister shows up to spend the day and I had another fudge bar for breakfast before she showed up. I then ordered pizza (AGAIN!) and managed to eat (through lunch and into dinner) an entire half of an extra large pizza and again two 20 oz sodas. For dessert? The last damned fudge bar. Last night I called the pizza place again (all total I paid them $65 over the last three days) and ordered a 12" sub. I managed to get somewhat of a tether on my weekend binge and only ate 1/2 of it with some Frito's and what? Two 20 oz sodas. *sigh*

Like I said, I'm surprised the scale actually went down. I may pay for this weekend by this Friday's weigh in, we'll just have to see.. I didn't work out all weekend either to try to let my back heal but I'm back in the game today and will be headed to water aerobics after work today and paying special attention to any exercises that tweak the back too much. Although I'm being hard on myself about this weekend I can't give up! I've lost a total of 9.5 pounds so far on this journey (if I count from the beginning of the Biggest Loser comp. at work it's 15 pounds) and I refuse to take them back! I've also decided no more fudge bars.. and no more "what the hell" moments either. I just can't afford to let my guard down. I know, I know, I can't be perfect. I can however acknowledge that I don't have enough self control yet to have my beloved fudge bars!

"At least I'm not THAT fat..."

I found myself saying this in my head this afternoon at lunch when I noticed a woman actually larger than myself sitting a few feet away who seemed to literally be swelling out of her own body. You know the type, the ones that look like they've expanded full of water and a pin prick would cause them to explode? I'm sitting there checking this woman out, mentally disgusted at how she looked and all of a sudden this thought occurred to me: I might be the line in the sand for someone else.

Let me explain. I know I'm fat.. but at least I'm not THAT fat. It could be worse. I could be bound to a wheelchair or need to wash myself with a rag tied to a stick. I could be that lady I saw on Dr. Phil who has to have her 13 year old daughter empty her pee from a bucket on a daily basis or the man who hasn't seen the outdoors for years because he's over 1,000 pounds. I'm big but properly proportioned, I could be one of those people who carry it all in their ass and hips and legs or humongous back fat or completely flat chested but big bellied. I've actually got it pretty darned good, all things considered.

Someone else though who isn't as large may look at me and do the same exact thing I was doing, looking at me with disgust and thinking, "I may be fat but I'm not as fat as she is!". I'm really ashamed of my thinking patterns, I did exactly what I don't want anyone else to do, judge solely on the outside layer and not bother to see what's on the inside. I won't think like that again, it was unfair. I don't want to be someone else's line in the sand. I won't be.

On the personal side, I peeked at the scale again and it said 348.5. Tomorrow is the official weigh in though so if I can just keep going in the same direction I'll have a killer number for my second weigh in. I've also given up fruit juice and root beer for Lent. Seems trivial but believe me, I love those things with a passion. I can't have the fruit due to the diabetes anyways. I already miss you Barq's! *sigh*

I also hit a rather personal milestone this morning. For years (probably 3 or more) I've had to sit while I took my showers. I hardly ever share that information with anyone as it is so damned humiliating. My back would start hurting after about five minutes and my legs would start to tremble. My back would cramp horribly and I was afraid my legs would give out and I would fall and seriously injure myself. Well, guess what? I took a shower this morning, about 20 mins long... and I stood the whole time! My back was a little stiff when I got out but nothing I couldn't handle. Yay!

The NU Step Machine - I am SO stoked!

Okay so I went to water aerobics last night at the Y but beforehand I got a small tour of the facilities so I could see what else they offered besides the pool that I could possibly have the ability to do. Most of it seemed totally out of my league. I swear the elliptical was making me sick watching people run on it.. Fortunately the girl showing me around had several pounds on her own frame so she was totally honest about the things she thinks I should and shouldn't do just to be on the safe side.

In two weeks I'll start my weight training circuit (it looks totally fun and she said to set another appointment so we could go through it together), yay! She also told me it would probably be best not to do the elliptical until I could do a sustained 20-25 minutes on the treadmill as it might be a little too hard for me at this point. Since I'm barely into 10 minutes on the treadmill it'll be a while before I'm ready for any of those.

What I'm totally excited about though is this machine called the NUStep. I took a weight management class last year when I lived in Anchorage, AK and I was amazed that I could actually do this machine for 30-45 mins and keep a target heart range without hurting myself! It's basically like a recumbent stair stepper (stupid bikes make my feet cramp and/or I'm banging into my own fat belly every step) with arms like an elliptical. They recommend these for heart patients because it's totally low impact but gets the heart rate up where it should be. I've been looking everywhere for a gym with one of those and turns out it's at the Y! I'm so glad I joined! I'm hoping to come down and do 1/2 hr or so on the nights I don't have water aerobics if it's open. It was a mad house down there last night due to the holidays but it was open then so I'll keep my fingers crossed it'll be in the future since there's only one of them there. It's tucked back into the corner so maybe people won't know it's there!

Oh and I checked the scale again ( I know, I know, leave it alone) and it's holding steady at 350. I might just have a 5 pound weight loss by the end of the week, yay!

Things Are A Changin' (for the better)

I know it's only been a week.. but.. I think I notice some differences and they've made me very excited! I really should go take my before photos before it gets too late. So what have I noticed so far? Well Saturday I went to Catherine's and tried on some clothes.. Normally I shoot for the biggest size, the 30-32's or 5X because they're the only things that fit. Since I went with my step-mom she talked me into only trying on 26-28's or 4X's and everything (barring one pair of jeans, grr) fit! And fit well! I put on the 5X shirt I'd been wearing and realized it was oodles too big. I don't know if it's from my activities recently or if I've finally opened my eyes and realized I was swimming in my big clothes. I'd like to think it's the recent workouts!

Speaking of, I went to water aerobics on Saturday and I swear that instructor must have been a prison torturer in her previous life because she seriously kicked my butt! She did about 15-20 mins of abs and my muscles are STILL aching today. I can't cough or sneeze or move quickly without all sorts of pain. I didn't let it stop me though, yesterday I got on the treadmill for 10.5 mins and was actually able to walk faster (2.5 instead of 2.0)! Usually by about minute 8 my back is cramped so bad (yeah, the weight has really hurt my lower back) that I'm literally draped over the treadmill and my legs are still walking it.. This time I didn't have to do that and that's a huge change! I had to grab the handles a couple of times when I lost my rhythm but for the most part I was doing great all on my own. I've noticed in the past couple of days that my back is feeling so much better. It usually is a huge ball of pain in the lower right hand side of my back that after 10 mins or so starts cramping and hurting and it's still feeling stiff but nowhere near as painful! I also did music for the first time using my iPod instead of watching TV and it seemed to work out well. I need to find some fast and moving music though because I have a lot of slow stuff on the iPod right now.. I can create a workout playlist.

I'm back off to water aerobics again tonight and making sure to walk the treadmill now.. I'm so very excited at the way things are going.. I'm trying hard to not eat bread or pasta or rice or fruit (although had a thin crust Thai chicken pizza yesterday) and I'm sure I won't be 100% free of those, just like.. umm... 75%. heehehehe..

Oh! I saved the biggest news for last! I got on the scale this morning ( I know, I know, I should only weigh in once a week on my Friday weigh in but I did so good this weekend I HAD to check!) and I'm down 5 pounds from Friday to 350. Yay! I'm hoping it stays that way until Friday, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

Starting weight: 357, Current Weight: 355, Goal Weight: 180

So today was my first official weigh in since the beginning of this blog and I could barely even sleep last night I was so freaking nervous! I even got up this morning and dolled myself up all pretty (like if I looked good the scale would be nice to me if I flirted with it, lol) with necklaces and rings and bracelets and earrings. As soon as I got to work I marched right to the scale and stepped on, praying to all that was holy that there was some sort of change, and there was! Even though I was tempted to remove my shoes to get better numbers I know for a fact that I weighed in the shoes last time and it would just be cheating.. *sigh* Woe is me for being so damned honest.

I've lost 2 pounds. I have to say, I know that's a good start but I feel kind of disappointed! I thought that since my size was so large that the first several pounds would just "melt" away but they seem to be stubbornly attached to my butt! I even walked the treadmill every evening all week long but here I am, only 2 pounds gone. :(

On the upside I increased my time on the treadmill from 5 minutes to 10 and instead of fiddling with the speed I kept it at a steady 2.0 and managed to walk .31 of a mile! I'll hit that mile mark one of these days, I just know it! I only had to stop because my calves were cramping and my back was sore.. I wish I could get past the muscle aches and pains because I'm sure I could do so much more.. I'll just keep at it though and do 10 minutes tonight too. I'm hoping to get in to water aerobics tomorrow morning at 9am as well so I'm just going to keep trudging along and doing my best.. maybe I'll be surprised at next week's number. I know, I know, slow and steady wins the race.. And it's a long long race to get into Onederland!

Somebody Kill Me!

Okay, maybe not literally, but holy jesus every muscle I didn't even knew I had is aching today! I made it to water aerobics and for the first few minutes was completely alone in the pool. The instructor finally showed up and we waited a few minutes before starting but since it was Valentine's Day (and really yucky out) it turns out we were the only two people for the class. It was like a personal training session! I don't think I've ever sweated so hard in my life.. the scary part was she told me she was going easy on me since I hadn't done it in a while.. O_O I worked the entire hour and limply made my way to the car to go home and it took me several moments to get up the stairs and in to my apartment as my legs were soooo tired. I have to admit, that was a fantastic workout.

I couldn't help myself, after doing so well last night (and did five minutes on the treadmill before I went to aerobics) I just had to see what the scale said.. We're doing a Biggest Loser Competition at work and my personal scale goes to 400 pounds so I brought it in to work and went and weighed in there this morning.. I was at 355.5, same as yesterday but when I took my shoes off I was only 351! I didn't realize my shoes were that heavy! (hee hee) The official weigh in isn't until tomorrow so I'm hoping I'll lose a pound or two by then and be able to post my first loss in this blog. :)

I found a couple of great new websites that I'm sure to become regulars on.. One is 3fatchicks.com and there is a 300+ forum that I'm so happy to see! So many times on websites the "fat chicks" are closer to my goal weight than my ACTUAL weight! They have been so nice there and I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and hanging out there frequently. It will be nice to actually be around people who know how it feels when someone says "Just start walking around the block" and you're thinking "I can't even walk to my car!". The other website (found via 3fatchicks) is FitDay.com. It's an online food diary and exercise calculator. This is exactly what I needed! I'll be attending a diabetes education class with a nutritionist and I've been asked to keep a food diary and this is perfect. It's also nice to see that already my food intake is less than the calories I'm burning. It just makes me more and more motivated! I didn't think I'd be this happy and this darn sore at the same exact time... hee hee ^_^

I'm A Food Nazi.

I really didn't notice it until just today, I'm a food Nazi. Here's how I realized just exactly what I was. Today at lunch I sat next to a guy who explained that he was trying to lose weight. I watched him do this (horrified might I add) while inhaling two humongous slices of pizza. I swear, these things were almost as big as the plate themselves and easily could have ran 1000 calories a piece. It took every once of willpower that I had not to mention something to him or rip the pizza from his fingers and throw them in the garbage where they belong. If I'm not a food nazi I'm at least the food police!

When I get gung ho in to eating healthy food I notice every single morsel that other people consume as well. It's a mental calculation of failures and I can't help but keep a running tally in my head. It's especially bad when I'm standing in line in the cafeteria and I notice someone order a sandwich on white bread with extra mayo (umm, can we say ewwww) with a huge mound of turkey and cheese over the top of that. They get a side of chips and their regular soda and move on down the line. It's all I can do not to tell them how much better it would be for them if they skipped the mayo, went with mustard on whole wheat with a couple of slices of turkey (rather than the mound) and load it with veggies and have a side of cucumbers or cottage cheese on the side.

Why do I do this? Why do I mentally calculate everyone else's consumption? Am I really that bored with all of my food? (Believe me, I love my food, like my sister likes to say: "Like a fat kid on a cupcake") I even did it with my friend Char today, she got breaded chicken to go on her salad. I was sneaky though, I casually mentioned something about how the cafeteria should really give us just regular chicken breast instead of the breaded stuff. See how good I was? Blamed the cafeteria, didn't blame Char for putting the crap on her caeser salad......with cheese.

Work work work

Well I never made it to water aerobics Monday. :( I did however walk on the treadmill for 8 whole minutes! I know, I know, it doesn't seem like a lot but I gave it my all and went for as long as I could. Last night (Tuesday) I went on the treadmill for 6 minutes.. I did a burst of quickness (like speed 2.0) but had to hold on to the treadmill and lean forward so I wouldn't fall. Not exactly graceful but effective I hope!

Tonight the Y is having water aerobics again so I'm going to try to make it this time and work for a full hour.. That should help a lot. I got on the scale this morning (To be honest my weight when I started this blog was 357) and it says 355.5 so it's only 1.5 pounds lost and my weigh-in isn't until Friday. It's good to see SOMETHING lost though because last week it was either up or steady and the same for this week.. I'll be happy with any downward progression! I'll still be walking on the treadmill tonight too, I want to do it every night no matter what.

Seeing that 1.5 loss has helped calm me down some, I've been awfully grumpy and bummed about not losing anything so I've doubled my efforts (although nothing near what I could be doing) and I'm trying harder. Please god I hope this helps!

On the downside I have two huge bags of candy at my desk staring at me.. I can't have them due to the diabetes AND because I'm losing weight so they aren't that tempting.. I'll be gifting them to my 8 and 10 year old brothers instead. :)

Divorcing My Fat, what does this mean?

I know, I know, the title sounds strange, doesn't it? Honestly though, it's exactly what I'm trying to do. My fat and I have irreconcilable differences and I want it gone! I know I can't just file paperwork and split the household 50/50 (it can take the ice cream in the fridge and all my fat clothes though), this is going to be a process that's going to take years. I just don't know where to start! I got the idea of starting a blog from this great website called Half of Me. She's really inspired me to lose this weight once and for all!

I thought that maybe if I could start an anonymous blog and really write down my true feelings about what I weigh and how I feel (without family and friends reading over my shoulder) it would help me truly see why I haven't been able to lose the weight as of yet and why I sit every night and watch TV when the treadmill is right behind me. Hopefully this will be a chronicle of an amazing weight loss over the next couple of years, I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed! Okay, I can't cross my toes, I agreed I'd be honest in this blog. Sheesh. :P

I haven't always been fat. In fact, when I was really young I was downright skinny! I was extremely active and spent tons of time outdoors and did sports and everything. I'm not really sure how I got to where I am today. I started gaining weight about middle school but really didn't start to pack it on until high school. I had a horrible time in school with several bullies and had really poor self esteem and self worth. I would come home and make cookie dough every day in a cup and eat it and hide it in my room.. I'd eat constantly and didn't get exercise anymore.. Over the years it just got worse and worse until I was pretty much blinded by the fat. Even now I don't truly see myself as big as I've become.. And maybe that's a bad thing! I've won the battle for the self worth.. It's the physical part that stops me now.

I can only buy in specialty stores like Catherine's and the Avenue because I'm too big to shop anywhere else. I'd love to just buy off of the rack at any store. Hell, I'd like to try on something that's too big! I guess what I really want in life is to just have a chance to really get outside and have fun and enjoy life before it passes me by. I have spent my entire 20s fat and alone (romance wise, I still have some great friends) and I don't want my 30s wasted that way too. I can't do it anymore!

So, here's the specs:

Current weight: 360
Goal weight: 180 (I'm 5'9" and German/Italian/Irish, so 180 is good for me. ^_^)
How much weight I need to lose: 180 (exactly 1/2 of me!!)
Weight loss per month goal: 10 pounds
First Reward: 50 pounds weight loss equals new surround sound system!
How many months until I reach my goal: 1 yr, 6 months (18 months)

Wow. Seeing that all in front of me seems like a pretty daunting task. I have to do this though. 8 months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. My knees hurt, my back hurts (hence difficulty with exercise) and I don't sleep well at all. I rarely go and do anything with friends as I'm limited in my mobility and know I can't stand for long. Hell, I even have to sit in the shower because my back starts to hurt too much! I can't fit in plane seats (I buy two tickets or go first class), I don't fit in the theater seats, some restaurants I can't sit in the booths, sometimes I can't buckle up in cars because the seat belt is too short, the list goes on and on.

I'm sick of living this way. I need to do this. I need to do it for me. Hello fat, you've been served your eviction notice.. You'd better start packing up now because you aren't welcome anymore.. I think we need to see other people.

Tonight I'm hoping to hit the "Y" for water aerobics.. I'll post more tomorrow and update on how that goes. I'm doing a weekly weigh in (we're doing a Biggest Loser Competition at work and I've signed up for two different competitions) so I weigh in weekly. We'll see what the scale says on Fridays then!