I cheat on my diet. There, I said it, I cheat okay, I'm a cheater! I'm sitting here at my desk staring at 1/2 a package of a Cacao Reserve bar from Hershey's (FYI soooo good!!) and realizing I really don't know when the transition happened, when I woke up one day and decided that it was okay to cheat on myself and my efforts to get healthy and slim down.
I mean really, I don't shoplift. I have never ever cheated on a test or homework. I won't even take extra cash if I accidentally receive more from a cashier than I'm supposed to but for some reason I seem to think that it's okay to constantly cheat on the rules I've set forward on my diet? Why is that? I'm just not sure.
Saturday's water aerobics was horrible. I don't think I can go to that class anymore. When I go during the week I feel challenged, I get sweaty and feel like I'm burning fat and genuinely enjoy myself and the instructors are fantastic. The young skinny thing on Saturdays though, Jesus. Who does she think she's teaching? We're all a bunch of old/fat/pregnant people and she's leaping out of the water like a fish while we do pike jumps to all four walls. Seriously, she just made me feel like I was fat and couldn't keep up. It was horrible.
To top it all off I didn't eat anything, at all, the entire day long because I was low on groceries and had company and couldn't feed all of us. I thought about getting pizza but after pizzafest last weekend I couldn't bring myself to do it. I finally went grocery shopping that night and ended up eating at 8:30pm and consuming two 20 oz sodas, two turkey burgers and an entire can of chili. My stomach hurt sooo bad after that. :( Oh and two fudgesicles. You heard me right, fudgesicles again. I had one more of those on Sunday and another 20 oz soda.
So what is it? I would never sabotage anyone else, I have to much respect and kindness to sabotage any one's diet or happiness. So why don't I respect my own rules? *sigh* I suppose I'm going to have to figure that out before I stop all of the self sabotage, huh.
I mean really, I don't shoplift. I have never ever cheated on a test or homework. I won't even take extra cash if I accidentally receive more from a cashier than I'm supposed to but for some reason I seem to think that it's okay to constantly cheat on the rules I've set forward on my diet? Why is that? I'm just not sure.
Saturday's water aerobics was horrible. I don't think I can go to that class anymore. When I go during the week I feel challenged, I get sweaty and feel like I'm burning fat and genuinely enjoy myself and the instructors are fantastic. The young skinny thing on Saturdays though, Jesus. Who does she think she's teaching? We're all a bunch of old/fat/pregnant people and she's leaping out of the water like a fish while we do pike jumps to all four walls. Seriously, she just made me feel like I was fat and couldn't keep up. It was horrible.
To top it all off I didn't eat anything, at all, the entire day long because I was low on groceries and had company and couldn't feed all of us. I thought about getting pizza but after pizzafest last weekend I couldn't bring myself to do it. I finally went grocery shopping that night and ended up eating at 8:30pm and consuming two 20 oz sodas, two turkey burgers and an entire can of chili. My stomach hurt sooo bad after that. :( Oh and two fudgesicles. You heard me right, fudgesicles again. I had one more of those on Sunday and another 20 oz soda.
So what is it? I would never sabotage anyone else, I have to much respect and kindness to sabotage any one's diet or happiness. So why don't I respect my own rules? *sigh* I suppose I'm going to have to figure that out before I stop all of the self sabotage, huh.
3 comments:
I think you're beating yourself up too much. I get the feeling that you're filled with self-doubt about whether you can lose the weight. I've read some of your posts. Not getting enough rest and not eating all day long would make anyone hungry enough to overeat. I wonder if you set small goals for yourself, like 5 pounds at a time, rather than thinking about how far you have to go, if it would be easier for you and keep you motivated. It looks to me like you need to start believing in yourself, get focused, and then you'll start to make steadier progress.
I hope my comment hasn't offended you. It isn't meant that way. I just sense that this is more about self-doubt than food. If I'm wrong, I apologize.
Since I don't have a blogger account, I'll put my web address under my name on this comment so you know who I am. And honestly, this isn't an attempt to sell you anything. I just love to read how people are doing.
If you'd prefer, I won't comment anymore.
Debbie
http://www.ILoveToCheatDiet.com/blog
Oh deb I think you're absolutely right. I'm terrified of not actually being able to lose this! I'm going to be much much more posiive from here on out, promise!
I'll admit that I haven't read enough to know exactly what the goals are that you have set... and this is probably why I don't understand which part of your post describes a horrible, horrible sin. I might be with Deb on this one, but it seems you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself.
An "all or nothing" mentality is a setup for failure, no matter what the pursuit. You had not eaten enough that day. Then, you made up for it at night. From what I can see, you actually did so in a reasonably sane manner. I mean, turkey burgers? Fudgsicles? And only 2 of each? C'mon. You coulda gone the dozen-donuts route, but you didn't.
How would this exact same entry sound if you framed it as a victory instead of a big failure? I bet you could report almost the exact same things, but put a different spin on it and end up feeling a helluva lot better. The reality would be the same. The subjective experience, though, would be very very different and might end up determining how far along this road you end up going, in the end.
Like Deb, I'm not trying to preach. Just reacting to what feels like a harsh treatment of yourself in this entry. I promise to read a bit more before I comment next time. In the meantime, you might try to go a bit easier on yourself and allow room in your plans for your own humanity.
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