Current Weight: 347.5/Pounds Lost Since Last Week: 7.5

I had to delay my weigh in until Monday as my scale is still at work and I didn't come in to the office on Friday due to pretty bad back pain.. :( I think (no, I know) I overdid it at water aerobics on Wednesday last week and by the time I woke up Friday morning my back was killing me! On the plus side it only hurt to sit or lay down so I cleaned my house most of Friday since standing seemed to relieve some of the pressure. I was so surprised to see such a huge weight loss (7.5 lbs, woo hoo!!) after the weekend I had.. Let me tell you, I didn't just fall off the wagon, I put a plastic cap and a bathing suit on and pinched my nose shut and dived off head first!

It all started with Weight Watchers Fudge Bars. *shakes fist* I've been really REALLY good about avoiding temptation lately and if I don't purchase the item it doesn't make it past the protesting lips and into my willing belly. The other day however my mother and I stopped at the store and there they were.. the low cal fudge bars that taste amazing. They taste like a chocolate malt, does anyone remember those? You could get them at groceries store or from the ice cream man and they came in a little paper cup with a wooden spoon and they were totally the bees knees man, I loved them. I took one look and decided I needed to have them. No problem, right? I mean, I could have one a day and it could be my little treat after a good work out. I can handle that.. right? Right? .....Hello?

Cue in me, with my addictive personality. That's right, I admit it! I just quit a 15 year smoking habit (five weeks tomorrow, yay!) and I'm fully willing to admit that I'm totally addicted to binge eating as well. Only by myself though, you won't see me shovelling food in with both hands when anyone else is around! I really try not to do it but I just can't seem to help myself. I take one look at the food I love and start shovelling as fast as my hands will let me until I feel bloated and full and the guilt... oh the guilt. I hate when I do it but I just can't seem to help myself sometimes.

I did really good on Wednesday. I only had one fudge bar. Ditto for Thursday. I was doing well! Friday I called in sick and had a fudge bar for breakfast. Lunch rolls around and I have another. My brother comes over to keep me company and I figure "what the hell" and order pizza along with TWO 20 oz sodas. They weren't root beer so technically I didn't cheat on my Lent promise! (rolls eyes). I managed to pack away four large slices and begged my brother to take the rest home so I wouldn't eat the rest of the pizza. (He did) I then managed to have another fudge bar for dessert. Saturday my sister shows up to spend the day and I had another fudge bar for breakfast before she showed up. I then ordered pizza (AGAIN!) and managed to eat (through lunch and into dinner) an entire half of an extra large pizza and again two 20 oz sodas. For dessert? The last damned fudge bar. Last night I called the pizza place again (all total I paid them $65 over the last three days) and ordered a 12" sub. I managed to get somewhat of a tether on my weekend binge and only ate 1/2 of it with some Frito's and what? Two 20 oz sodas. *sigh*

Like I said, I'm surprised the scale actually went down. I may pay for this weekend by this Friday's weigh in, we'll just have to see.. I didn't work out all weekend either to try to let my back heal but I'm back in the game today and will be headed to water aerobics after work today and paying special attention to any exercises that tweak the back too much. Although I'm being hard on myself about this weekend I can't give up! I've lost a total of 9.5 pounds so far on this journey (if I count from the beginning of the Biggest Loser comp. at work it's 15 pounds) and I refuse to take them back! I've also decided no more fudge bars.. and no more "what the hell" moments either. I just can't afford to let my guard down. I know, I know, I can't be perfect. I can however acknowledge that I don't have enough self control yet to have my beloved fudge bars!

"At least I'm not THAT fat..."

I found myself saying this in my head this afternoon at lunch when I noticed a woman actually larger than myself sitting a few feet away who seemed to literally be swelling out of her own body. You know the type, the ones that look like they've expanded full of water and a pin prick would cause them to explode? I'm sitting there checking this woman out, mentally disgusted at how she looked and all of a sudden this thought occurred to me: I might be the line in the sand for someone else.

Let me explain. I know I'm fat.. but at least I'm not THAT fat. It could be worse. I could be bound to a wheelchair or need to wash myself with a rag tied to a stick. I could be that lady I saw on Dr. Phil who has to have her 13 year old daughter empty her pee from a bucket on a daily basis or the man who hasn't seen the outdoors for years because he's over 1,000 pounds. I'm big but properly proportioned, I could be one of those people who carry it all in their ass and hips and legs or humongous back fat or completely flat chested but big bellied. I've actually got it pretty darned good, all things considered.

Someone else though who isn't as large may look at me and do the same exact thing I was doing, looking at me with disgust and thinking, "I may be fat but I'm not as fat as she is!". I'm really ashamed of my thinking patterns, I did exactly what I don't want anyone else to do, judge solely on the outside layer and not bother to see what's on the inside. I won't think like that again, it was unfair. I don't want to be someone else's line in the sand. I won't be.

On the personal side, I peeked at the scale again and it said 348.5. Tomorrow is the official weigh in though so if I can just keep going in the same direction I'll have a killer number for my second weigh in. I've also given up fruit juice and root beer for Lent. Seems trivial but believe me, I love those things with a passion. I can't have the fruit due to the diabetes anyways. I already miss you Barq's! *sigh*

I also hit a rather personal milestone this morning. For years (probably 3 or more) I've had to sit while I took my showers. I hardly ever share that information with anyone as it is so damned humiliating. My back would start hurting after about five minutes and my legs would start to tremble. My back would cramp horribly and I was afraid my legs would give out and I would fall and seriously injure myself. Well, guess what? I took a shower this morning, about 20 mins long... and I stood the whole time! My back was a little stiff when I got out but nothing I couldn't handle. Yay!

The NU Step Machine - I am SO stoked!

Okay so I went to water aerobics last night at the Y but beforehand I got a small tour of the facilities so I could see what else they offered besides the pool that I could possibly have the ability to do. Most of it seemed totally out of my league. I swear the elliptical was making me sick watching people run on it.. Fortunately the girl showing me around had several pounds on her own frame so she was totally honest about the things she thinks I should and shouldn't do just to be on the safe side.

In two weeks I'll start my weight training circuit (it looks totally fun and she said to set another appointment so we could go through it together), yay! She also told me it would probably be best not to do the elliptical until I could do a sustained 20-25 minutes on the treadmill as it might be a little too hard for me at this point. Since I'm barely into 10 minutes on the treadmill it'll be a while before I'm ready for any of those.

What I'm totally excited about though is this machine called the NUStep. I took a weight management class last year when I lived in Anchorage, AK and I was amazed that I could actually do this machine for 30-45 mins and keep a target heart range without hurting myself! It's basically like a recumbent stair stepper (stupid bikes make my feet cramp and/or I'm banging into my own fat belly every step) with arms like an elliptical. They recommend these for heart patients because it's totally low impact but gets the heart rate up where it should be. I've been looking everywhere for a gym with one of those and turns out it's at the Y! I'm so glad I joined! I'm hoping to come down and do 1/2 hr or so on the nights I don't have water aerobics if it's open. It was a mad house down there last night due to the holidays but it was open then so I'll keep my fingers crossed it'll be in the future since there's only one of them there. It's tucked back into the corner so maybe people won't know it's there!

Oh and I checked the scale again ( I know, I know, leave it alone) and it's holding steady at 350. I might just have a 5 pound weight loss by the end of the week, yay!

Things Are A Changin' (for the better)

I know it's only been a week.. but.. I think I notice some differences and they've made me very excited! I really should go take my before photos before it gets too late. So what have I noticed so far? Well Saturday I went to Catherine's and tried on some clothes.. Normally I shoot for the biggest size, the 30-32's or 5X because they're the only things that fit. Since I went with my step-mom she talked me into only trying on 26-28's or 4X's and everything (barring one pair of jeans, grr) fit! And fit well! I put on the 5X shirt I'd been wearing and realized it was oodles too big. I don't know if it's from my activities recently or if I've finally opened my eyes and realized I was swimming in my big clothes. I'd like to think it's the recent workouts!

Speaking of, I went to water aerobics on Saturday and I swear that instructor must have been a prison torturer in her previous life because she seriously kicked my butt! She did about 15-20 mins of abs and my muscles are STILL aching today. I can't cough or sneeze or move quickly without all sorts of pain. I didn't let it stop me though, yesterday I got on the treadmill for 10.5 mins and was actually able to walk faster (2.5 instead of 2.0)! Usually by about minute 8 my back is cramped so bad (yeah, the weight has really hurt my lower back) that I'm literally draped over the treadmill and my legs are still walking it.. This time I didn't have to do that and that's a huge change! I had to grab the handles a couple of times when I lost my rhythm but for the most part I was doing great all on my own. I've noticed in the past couple of days that my back is feeling so much better. It usually is a huge ball of pain in the lower right hand side of my back that after 10 mins or so starts cramping and hurting and it's still feeling stiff but nowhere near as painful! I also did music for the first time using my iPod instead of watching TV and it seemed to work out well. I need to find some fast and moving music though because I have a lot of slow stuff on the iPod right now.. I can create a workout playlist.

I'm back off to water aerobics again tonight and making sure to walk the treadmill now.. I'm so very excited at the way things are going.. I'm trying hard to not eat bread or pasta or rice or fruit (although had a thin crust Thai chicken pizza yesterday) and I'm sure I won't be 100% free of those, just like.. umm... 75%. heehehehe..

Oh! I saved the biggest news for last! I got on the scale this morning ( I know, I know, I should only weigh in once a week on my Friday weigh in but I did so good this weekend I HAD to check!) and I'm down 5 pounds from Friday to 350. Yay! I'm hoping it stays that way until Friday, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

Starting weight: 357, Current Weight: 355, Goal Weight: 180

So today was my first official weigh in since the beginning of this blog and I could barely even sleep last night I was so freaking nervous! I even got up this morning and dolled myself up all pretty (like if I looked good the scale would be nice to me if I flirted with it, lol) with necklaces and rings and bracelets and earrings. As soon as I got to work I marched right to the scale and stepped on, praying to all that was holy that there was some sort of change, and there was! Even though I was tempted to remove my shoes to get better numbers I know for a fact that I weighed in the shoes last time and it would just be cheating.. *sigh* Woe is me for being so damned honest.

I've lost 2 pounds. I have to say, I know that's a good start but I feel kind of disappointed! I thought that since my size was so large that the first several pounds would just "melt" away but they seem to be stubbornly attached to my butt! I even walked the treadmill every evening all week long but here I am, only 2 pounds gone. :(

On the upside I increased my time on the treadmill from 5 minutes to 10 and instead of fiddling with the speed I kept it at a steady 2.0 and managed to walk .31 of a mile! I'll hit that mile mark one of these days, I just know it! I only had to stop because my calves were cramping and my back was sore.. I wish I could get past the muscle aches and pains because I'm sure I could do so much more.. I'll just keep at it though and do 10 minutes tonight too. I'm hoping to get in to water aerobics tomorrow morning at 9am as well so I'm just going to keep trudging along and doing my best.. maybe I'll be surprised at next week's number. I know, I know, slow and steady wins the race.. And it's a long long race to get into Onederland!

Somebody Kill Me!

Okay, maybe not literally, but holy jesus every muscle I didn't even knew I had is aching today! I made it to water aerobics and for the first few minutes was completely alone in the pool. The instructor finally showed up and we waited a few minutes before starting but since it was Valentine's Day (and really yucky out) it turns out we were the only two people for the class. It was like a personal training session! I don't think I've ever sweated so hard in my life.. the scary part was she told me she was going easy on me since I hadn't done it in a while.. O_O I worked the entire hour and limply made my way to the car to go home and it took me several moments to get up the stairs and in to my apartment as my legs were soooo tired. I have to admit, that was a fantastic workout.

I couldn't help myself, after doing so well last night (and did five minutes on the treadmill before I went to aerobics) I just had to see what the scale said.. We're doing a Biggest Loser Competition at work and my personal scale goes to 400 pounds so I brought it in to work and went and weighed in there this morning.. I was at 355.5, same as yesterday but when I took my shoes off I was only 351! I didn't realize my shoes were that heavy! (hee hee) The official weigh in isn't until tomorrow so I'm hoping I'll lose a pound or two by then and be able to post my first loss in this blog. :)

I found a couple of great new websites that I'm sure to become regulars on.. One is 3fatchicks.com and there is a 300+ forum that I'm so happy to see! So many times on websites the "fat chicks" are closer to my goal weight than my ACTUAL weight! They have been so nice there and I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and hanging out there frequently. It will be nice to actually be around people who know how it feels when someone says "Just start walking around the block" and you're thinking "I can't even walk to my car!". The other website (found via 3fatchicks) is FitDay.com. It's an online food diary and exercise calculator. This is exactly what I needed! I'll be attending a diabetes education class with a nutritionist and I've been asked to keep a food diary and this is perfect. It's also nice to see that already my food intake is less than the calories I'm burning. It just makes me more and more motivated! I didn't think I'd be this happy and this darn sore at the same exact time... hee hee ^_^

I'm A Food Nazi.

I really didn't notice it until just today, I'm a food Nazi. Here's how I realized just exactly what I was. Today at lunch I sat next to a guy who explained that he was trying to lose weight. I watched him do this (horrified might I add) while inhaling two humongous slices of pizza. I swear, these things were almost as big as the plate themselves and easily could have ran 1000 calories a piece. It took every once of willpower that I had not to mention something to him or rip the pizza from his fingers and throw them in the garbage where they belong. If I'm not a food nazi I'm at least the food police!

When I get gung ho in to eating healthy food I notice every single morsel that other people consume as well. It's a mental calculation of failures and I can't help but keep a running tally in my head. It's especially bad when I'm standing in line in the cafeteria and I notice someone order a sandwich on white bread with extra mayo (umm, can we say ewwww) with a huge mound of turkey and cheese over the top of that. They get a side of chips and their regular soda and move on down the line. It's all I can do not to tell them how much better it would be for them if they skipped the mayo, went with mustard on whole wheat with a couple of slices of turkey (rather than the mound) and load it with veggies and have a side of cucumbers or cottage cheese on the side.

Why do I do this? Why do I mentally calculate everyone else's consumption? Am I really that bored with all of my food? (Believe me, I love my food, like my sister likes to say: "Like a fat kid on a cupcake") I even did it with my friend Char today, she got breaded chicken to go on her salad. I was sneaky though, I casually mentioned something about how the cafeteria should really give us just regular chicken breast instead of the breaded stuff. See how good I was? Blamed the cafeteria, didn't blame Char for putting the crap on her caeser salad......with cheese.

Work work work

Well I never made it to water aerobics Monday. :( I did however walk on the treadmill for 8 whole minutes! I know, I know, it doesn't seem like a lot but I gave it my all and went for as long as I could. Last night (Tuesday) I went on the treadmill for 6 minutes.. I did a burst of quickness (like speed 2.0) but had to hold on to the treadmill and lean forward so I wouldn't fall. Not exactly graceful but effective I hope!

Tonight the Y is having water aerobics again so I'm going to try to make it this time and work for a full hour.. That should help a lot. I got on the scale this morning (To be honest my weight when I started this blog was 357) and it says 355.5 so it's only 1.5 pounds lost and my weigh-in isn't until Friday. It's good to see SOMETHING lost though because last week it was either up or steady and the same for this week.. I'll be happy with any downward progression! I'll still be walking on the treadmill tonight too, I want to do it every night no matter what.

Seeing that 1.5 loss has helped calm me down some, I've been awfully grumpy and bummed about not losing anything so I've doubled my efforts (although nothing near what I could be doing) and I'm trying harder. Please god I hope this helps!

On the downside I have two huge bags of candy at my desk staring at me.. I can't have them due to the diabetes AND because I'm losing weight so they aren't that tempting.. I'll be gifting them to my 8 and 10 year old brothers instead. :)

Divorcing My Fat, what does this mean?

I know, I know, the title sounds strange, doesn't it? Honestly though, it's exactly what I'm trying to do. My fat and I have irreconcilable differences and I want it gone! I know I can't just file paperwork and split the household 50/50 (it can take the ice cream in the fridge and all my fat clothes though), this is going to be a process that's going to take years. I just don't know where to start! I got the idea of starting a blog from this great website called Half of Me. She's really inspired me to lose this weight once and for all!

I thought that maybe if I could start an anonymous blog and really write down my true feelings about what I weigh and how I feel (without family and friends reading over my shoulder) it would help me truly see why I haven't been able to lose the weight as of yet and why I sit every night and watch TV when the treadmill is right behind me. Hopefully this will be a chronicle of an amazing weight loss over the next couple of years, I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed! Okay, I can't cross my toes, I agreed I'd be honest in this blog. Sheesh. :P

I haven't always been fat. In fact, when I was really young I was downright skinny! I was extremely active and spent tons of time outdoors and did sports and everything. I'm not really sure how I got to where I am today. I started gaining weight about middle school but really didn't start to pack it on until high school. I had a horrible time in school with several bullies and had really poor self esteem and self worth. I would come home and make cookie dough every day in a cup and eat it and hide it in my room.. I'd eat constantly and didn't get exercise anymore.. Over the years it just got worse and worse until I was pretty much blinded by the fat. Even now I don't truly see myself as big as I've become.. And maybe that's a bad thing! I've won the battle for the self worth.. It's the physical part that stops me now.

I can only buy in specialty stores like Catherine's and the Avenue because I'm too big to shop anywhere else. I'd love to just buy off of the rack at any store. Hell, I'd like to try on something that's too big! I guess what I really want in life is to just have a chance to really get outside and have fun and enjoy life before it passes me by. I have spent my entire 20s fat and alone (romance wise, I still have some great friends) and I don't want my 30s wasted that way too. I can't do it anymore!

So, here's the specs:

Current weight: 360
Goal weight: 180 (I'm 5'9" and German/Italian/Irish, so 180 is good for me. ^_^)
How much weight I need to lose: 180 (exactly 1/2 of me!!)
Weight loss per month goal: 10 pounds
First Reward: 50 pounds weight loss equals new surround sound system!
How many months until I reach my goal: 1 yr, 6 months (18 months)

Wow. Seeing that all in front of me seems like a pretty daunting task. I have to do this though. 8 months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. My knees hurt, my back hurts (hence difficulty with exercise) and I don't sleep well at all. I rarely go and do anything with friends as I'm limited in my mobility and know I can't stand for long. Hell, I even have to sit in the shower because my back starts to hurt too much! I can't fit in plane seats (I buy two tickets or go first class), I don't fit in the theater seats, some restaurants I can't sit in the booths, sometimes I can't buckle up in cars because the seat belt is too short, the list goes on and on.

I'm sick of living this way. I need to do this. I need to do it for me. Hello fat, you've been served your eviction notice.. You'd better start packing up now because you aren't welcome anymore.. I think we need to see other people.

Tonight I'm hoping to hit the "Y" for water aerobics.. I'll post more tomorrow and update on how that goes. I'm doing a weekly weigh in (we're doing a Biggest Loser Competition at work and I've signed up for two different competitions) so I weigh in weekly. We'll see what the scale says on Fridays then!