Divorcing My Fat, what does this mean?

I know, I know, the title sounds strange, doesn't it? Honestly though, it's exactly what I'm trying to do. My fat and I have irreconcilable differences and I want it gone! I know I can't just file paperwork and split the household 50/50 (it can take the ice cream in the fridge and all my fat clothes though), this is going to be a process that's going to take years. I just don't know where to start! I got the idea of starting a blog from this great website called Half of Me. She's really inspired me to lose this weight once and for all!

I thought that maybe if I could start an anonymous blog and really write down my true feelings about what I weigh and how I feel (without family and friends reading over my shoulder) it would help me truly see why I haven't been able to lose the weight as of yet and why I sit every night and watch TV when the treadmill is right behind me. Hopefully this will be a chronicle of an amazing weight loss over the next couple of years, I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed! Okay, I can't cross my toes, I agreed I'd be honest in this blog. Sheesh. :P

I haven't always been fat. In fact, when I was really young I was downright skinny! I was extremely active and spent tons of time outdoors and did sports and everything. I'm not really sure how I got to where I am today. I started gaining weight about middle school but really didn't start to pack it on until high school. I had a horrible time in school with several bullies and had really poor self esteem and self worth. I would come home and make cookie dough every day in a cup and eat it and hide it in my room.. I'd eat constantly and didn't get exercise anymore.. Over the years it just got worse and worse until I was pretty much blinded by the fat. Even now I don't truly see myself as big as I've become.. And maybe that's a bad thing! I've won the battle for the self worth.. It's the physical part that stops me now.

I can only buy in specialty stores like Catherine's and the Avenue because I'm too big to shop anywhere else. I'd love to just buy off of the rack at any store. Hell, I'd like to try on something that's too big! I guess what I really want in life is to just have a chance to really get outside and have fun and enjoy life before it passes me by. I have spent my entire 20s fat and alone (romance wise, I still have some great friends) and I don't want my 30s wasted that way too. I can't do it anymore!

So, here's the specs:

Current weight: 360
Goal weight: 180 (I'm 5'9" and German/Italian/Irish, so 180 is good for me. ^_^)
How much weight I need to lose: 180 (exactly 1/2 of me!!)
Weight loss per month goal: 10 pounds
First Reward: 50 pounds weight loss equals new surround sound system!
How many months until I reach my goal: 1 yr, 6 months (18 months)

Wow. Seeing that all in front of me seems like a pretty daunting task. I have to do this though. 8 months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. My knees hurt, my back hurts (hence difficulty with exercise) and I don't sleep well at all. I rarely go and do anything with friends as I'm limited in my mobility and know I can't stand for long. Hell, I even have to sit in the shower because my back starts to hurt too much! I can't fit in plane seats (I buy two tickets or go first class), I don't fit in the theater seats, some restaurants I can't sit in the booths, sometimes I can't buckle up in cars because the seat belt is too short, the list goes on and on.

I'm sick of living this way. I need to do this. I need to do it for me. Hello fat, you've been served your eviction notice.. You'd better start packing up now because you aren't welcome anymore.. I think we need to see other people.

Tonight I'm hoping to hit the "Y" for water aerobics.. I'll post more tomorrow and update on how that goes. I'm doing a weekly weigh in (we're doing a Biggest Loser Competition at work and I've signed up for two different competitions) so I weigh in weekly. We'll see what the scale says on Fridays then!