*sneaks sheepishly back in*

I swore I wouldn’t be like those other fair weather bloggers. I’d stick to this and post as much as possible and be a champion for myself and everyone out there struggling and look what I did.. A month and a half!! O_O I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome myself back.. I don’t know where I’ve been! I started majorly backsliding and was so embarrassed that I took the opportunity to jump ship. Since this was a blog for me (and woo hoo if other people read it too) I suppose in essence I was hiding from myself.

I got to my low weight of 338 and started putting the weight back on, just a little bit at a time until I’m now at 345. I know it’s only 7 pounds but dangit I fought really hard for those and I didn’t want them back! I’m in crisis recovery mode at this point; I want to stem the flow before it gets out of control and I can quickly see it’s heading that way.

I can’t tell you precisely what caused the derailment; I’m sure just little things here and there that got me off track. You know how it goes, it’s the occasional coffee or frosty or candy bar and then its seconds and fried foods and “I’ve already screwed up the day, may as well eat it” attitude. I haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks, I’m carpooling with my mother and her schedule is so hectic and my health has been up and down for the past month or so.. I’m hoping to have my license by mid June though so as soon as I have it I’m dragging my own butt to the gym!!

The question is though, what can I do in the meantime until I can get back there? I stare at my treadmill and never get on it because walking on it is uncomfortable.. Because of my fat inner thighs the width of the treadmill seems really narrow and I keep stepping off to the side and almost tripping.. Grrr.. Plus I can get about 10 minutes before I’m totally winded... 10 minutes is crap! I could walk all the way around my apartment complex (it’s a ½ mile) but by the time I get home I never really think about it.. Or I’m just too tired.. Or I’m afraid I won’t make it. Where’s my motivation? Where’s my resolve even when I’m not motivated? It seems to have wandered away from me at the moment.

I’m trying to plug back in effective today.. I wrote down my food for today and will enter it into fitday.com tonight and I’m posting here today in the hopes that I’ll accept my own apology and promise to never leave me again and offer big hugs to myself! I guess this means I have to figure out some sort of exercise, huh. :P

A Tale of Shopping..

I went on a minor clothes shopping spree this weekend. All of my clothes have been hanging on me and I was tired of swimming around in them so I budgeted some money out and off I went! I thought I would share the experience, some good, some bad, but always entertaining, right? :)

When I moved back to Spokane from Anchorage in September of last year I bought a bunch of clothes because I had nothing really to wear. I bought 5x shirts and 32w pants and everything was a little roomy and comfy but the smaller size down just didn’t look flattering and/or didn’t fit at all. With the recent weight loss and with a good look at my clothing I noticed I wore everything really large. People have been pointing out of the last couple of weeks that my clothes were too big (I’ve been asked to create a box to get rid off that stuff too and NEVER WEAR IT AGAIN, lol) so I decided to finally do something about it!

I first went to Catherine’s. For those of you who don’t know it’s a plus size store that carries from 1x-6x and although they may have a few trendier pieces they primarily cater to the larger size professional and older woman. The only reason I shopped there in the first place is because the only other store in town that had clothes that fit shut down. (That would be the Avenue, I loved that place!)

The service was horrible! There were probably 4-5 associates in the store and we were the ONLY customers. Not only did we not get greeted, no one asked us if we needed help or directed us to a dressing room, didn’t help us when we got to the dressing room, and didn’t ask us if we needed anything as we came out. When the lady at the counter asked who helped us I looked her directly in the eye and said, “Absolutely no one.” I think she was a little taken aback by it but I wasn’t rude, just factual. I managed to find three shirts, one in a 3x and two in 2x’s. The only reason I bought the 2x is because it’s cut in a triangle like shape so they are very wide at the hem. I think I’m at kind of an in between phase since the 3x’s seem tight but the 4x’s are very loose. If I could get rid of that stupid fat between my breast and my hips (the middle tier on my cake-like torseo) everything would look so much better! Anyone have any exercises tips for that spot??

We then left and went over to Lane Bryant. I worked there briefly in high school and for years I’ve been too big to shop there so I really didn’t have my hopes too far up. Imagine my surprise when I put on a size 26 linen pants (bought them of course!) and a 26/28 top.. Yay! I had to buy both, they were amazing. I even bought a red satin bra although I think I bought it in a bigger cup size than I actually am as my boobs seem to float around in them. ^_^

After that fun experience we went to Fashion Bug and tried on a ton of shirts. What I found was I could wear the 26/28 (not the 30/32s, yay!) but a lot of them were too short. I have a very long torso and hangy belly and I refuse to wear anything that has that mound of flesh hanging out. I found one shirt that looked fantastic and bought it. While I was checking out I eyed another shirt on the hold rack. I checked to see if they had it in the store in my size but the only one they had was the one on hold! I begged them to let me try the one on hold on just to see if it fit and I’d try to find it somewhere else. They were kind enough to let me try it and it looked so cute on me that I asked when they were taking it back off of hold. It was Saturday and they told me it would go off of hold Monday if the person that asked for it didn’t come pick it up. I called first thing Monday morning and lo and behold, the person didn’t come get it! I went and got it after work that same day, yay!

So I’ve found out I’ve lost 4 pants sizes and almost two shirt sizes! I bought 6 shirts, one pair of pants, and one bra for about $150. (I’ve decided to only buy clearance as I’m losing weight so I don’t spend too much) It was a good shopping trip! ^_^

A whole new world

Oh man, I haven’t been doing well at keeping this updated, have I? I don’t know what it is, the routine got old and I can’t seem to settle back in to it properly. It may have been just being sick and getting totally off of my goals and I’m trying really hard to rein myself back in but so far haven’t succeeded well enough yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing horrible! I’m still losing or maintaining for the most part and I’m not over huddled in the corner shoving brownies into my mouth or anything but mmmmm brownies sound great just about now. ^_^ I find that if I don’t keep a hard eye on everything things seem to creep back in slowly but surely. Coffee in the mornings, the occasional soda, ‘just a few’ chocolates, bigger portion sizes, etc. They just sneak back in when I let my guard down!

I don’t want to stress about it though, the whole deal for me is about changing my habits and lifestyle and getting more active. I don’t have to have boiled chicken and bland vegetables and a rigid exercise schedule every day in order for me to be happy. As long as I go to aerobics 3-4 times a week, I’m happy. As long as I turn down sweets and fattening foods 99% of the time, I’m happy. If I limit my sodas to once a week or the occasional coffee, I’m happy. I want to be happy with the occasional indulgences to the dark side. J

One slice of pizza, not a whole pie, that kind of thing. I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to beat myself up because I had a piece of chocolate or decided to leave the cheese ON my sandwich instead of abstaining. It’s a whole new world!

Current Weight:338/Pounds Lost: 3.5

I don't know how I did it, with being sick and not exercising and comfort fooding I happened to lose the weight I'd gained plus 1/2 a pound! Yay!! I might do some shopping this weekend for some shirts that fit, everything is starting to swim on me... I start exercising again Monday too, I'm going to do this! :)

Someone pass me a Kleenex.. *collapse*

Oh man, having a sinus infection is NOT fun. I was sick all last week and managed to drag myself to work every day and continued to work through my haze of fever and congestion. I went out drinking with my friends (and my dad oddly enough) on Friday night and WHAM, Saturday morning I woke up and felt like someone had punched me in the face around my eye and cheek bone. For a second there I wondered what went on Friday night but I wasn't THAT drunk.. Drunk enough for a $65 bar tab but not drunk enough to remember what I did or didn't do!! ^_^

I managed to suffer through the weekend but by Monday morning I'd barely slept and was alternating hot and cold packs over my face and pretty heavy pain killers. I finally decided to have an emergency visit to the doctor's office and ended up with a pretty major decongestant and high dose antibiotics.. I stayed home Monday and Tuesday and if I hadn't have been out of sick days I would have probably been out yesterday too! I'm finally feeling better but my face is still very very painful, I can barely touch it and when I do (I can't help touching it, really I can't!) it makes it all throb and pain again. The downside to all the sickness is A) it hasn't affected my appetite and B) I've been too sick to go work out!

Fortunately though I weigh in tomorrow and my peeks on the scale look promising so even though I've been sick and eating comfort food and haven't been able to work out I may still see some results. I'm pretty proud that even with the comfort foods I'm still making healthier choices and trying to watch my portion amounts.

Speaking of, I went to the buffet last night with my mom and 8 year old brother and realized how different my attitude towards the food and the experience were from dinners past. Normally I would have tried to fill 3-4 plates of whatever looked yummiest and then waited a bit and had a few mixed desserts just to 'try' everything and chase it down with sodas and chocolate milk until I was so full you'd have to roll me out of there. Last night I had a good sized salad with a very very light coating of ranch dressing, a small spoonful of macaroni & cheese (just to taste it!), two bites of potato salad, and a buttery roll. My second plate involved ONE spoonful of mashed potatoes with a little bit of gravy and a second roll. Dessert was a few bites of maple nut cake and a few bites of ice cream and I stuck with water. All and all not a bad meal! I tried what I wanted and satisfied myself with just a few bites and moved on from there.. It gives me hope that my attitudes are changing! I'll be posting tomorrow with the latest numbers, see y'all on the flip side. ^_^

Current Weight: 341.5/Pounds Lost: -1.5 (missed post)

Okay okay so I'm doing two posts today and one tomorrow to make up for my lack of posting! I was so bummed by another weight gain that I couldn't bring myself to post it.. I know it's only 3 pounds but this is the first time I've actually gone up in this journey rather than hold steady or decline and I was completely bummed.. I didn't fall of the wagon entirely but wasn't really living up to my own expectations either. This was last week's weigh in, 04/06/2007.

Current Weight: 340/Pounds Lost: -1.5

Well, it happened. I knew that the liklihood of either holding steady or losing every time I weighed in was unrealistic but there was a part of me that just thought that the pounds would just slide slide slide away. The rational part of me knows that I was less than stellar (although not too bad) on the diet front and I did work out three times this week (so could have gained some muscle) and that weight normally fluctuates 1-3 pounds so really a 1.5 weight gain shouldn't be a big deal. I'm actually not too upset about it, although I am a sad sad panda. I'm a little disappointed as I know I really could have done better but as I've been told "If you're always looking behind you, your past becomes your future". In otherwords, I'm not going to stress out about it and I look forward to getting back on track for my next weigh-in.

I also plan on writing a little more in the blog. I've noticed I've been a little lax lately and it really does help to write down what I'm thinking and feeling and what strikes me as funny/tragic needs to be shared! My brother's in town from Portland, OR and we're all headed to a bar tonight, going to try my best to only have a couple of drinks and then I'll be headed home. I'll try to post tomorrow about how it goes.

I've also taken up jewelry making. Okay well to be honest I've bought glass beads and all sorts of accessories and I've been READING about making jewelry. I am going to make one for my mom first and I'll post a picture when I get it done. I'm hoping one day to be good enough to maybe sell some of my work but that depends on how my work turns out. ^_^